im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
