definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
