One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
