I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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