Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And then my night got REAL pukey
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
