census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
