Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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