It's Friday. Sex?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
