Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
