So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
