please come you make the beer taste better
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
