Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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