i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
