she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
