I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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