apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
