I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
