call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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