My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
