I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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