If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
