when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
