everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dear god my vagina.
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