you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
