my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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