why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
