I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
