I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
