I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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