I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
