oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
