ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
