It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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