Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
