i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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