take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
