My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
