i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
