doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
