Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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