I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
