I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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