Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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