walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
