I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
