I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
