Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize