Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
