My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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