life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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