my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
