He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
