roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
